Movie Review: Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

            I will admit. I was raised on Alvin and the Chipmunks. I have—and always will—love those little rodents. I even loved the first two movies. They were true to the Chipmunk spirit and carried with them a warmth true to Dave and the gang. However…the third movie fell flat.

            I’ll keep this brief, as the movie wasn’t very long, and I won’t be cutting and caustic like I could be. No, this was a kid’s movie and should be taken for what it is, as Mom would say. But…still, a kid’s movie is no excuse for poor writing. For example, Up, and Ratatouille, and Tangled. Even Hugo!

Put your numbers down! You're getting a 2 and you'll like it!

            On that note, Chipwrecked felt like a bunch of random, half-built plot points slapped together to make what should have been considered a fluid, moving storyline. Mix that with a couple of allusions to other castaway movies (such as Castaway with Tom Hanks), and you had a too-fast-paced, half-baked kids’ movie meant to mindlessly entertain so parents could have an hour and a half of relief. That’s where I’ll end my post so I don’t ramble on about how the movie disappointed me, and I walked from theater 4 shaking my head. 2 kernels out of 5.

Movie Review: Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

            Due to the fact that I have lost my handy-dandy notepad, I will try and recall the notes I’ve written about this movie.

John LeCarre's work needs...work

            One thing I do remember very well is the fact that I was excited about seeing this movie. John LeCarré’s spy thriller was said to have redefined the genre. Such a critical acclaim for a novel made me realize that the movie was one of two things: 1) total crap, or 2) a diamond. Well…I’m not sure what I would call this. The other thing I clearly remember is walking out of theater 8 with the thought of “What just happened?”

            To start, the mole discovery was foreseen and disappointing. I want hints that leave me watering at the mouth to figure it out, pulling my hair every time I figure out I’m wrong until WHAM! It’s revealed, and I shout, “MAN! I should have seen it COMING!!!” But…nope. Not with Tinker Tailor.

            The jargon had to be figured out as you went along, and if not familiar with the lingo, you had no idea what they were talking about. It’s like never hearing a Mainer say “Wicked freezin’ out theyah, ayup. Right slick, too,” and having to piece together the lingo as you live there in Maine (believe me, if you don’t grow up here, you will not have an easy time listening to some people talk). So in light of the jargon problem, the plot had to be figured out the same way. Holes were left unfilled and you had to dig for reasons for why some things happened. Which is never a good quality in a movie.

George Smiley on the release poster

            I’m not saying it was bad. The characters were connectable (although I highly disapprove of the sex scene in it, which I walked out on to return when it was over), but I found myself hating a lot of them. And maybe that was the point. I loved George Smiley (Gary Oldman), but the rest of them seemed…hateable. Not very nice, and melancholy altogether. Granted, the whole thing was a melancholy affair, and I understand that the Cold War was a drab and strained era, but sheesh. Where’s the hope?

            I had a hope. I hoped this movie would be thrilling like the genre suggested (spy thriller). However, the outturn was a lot of wasted time. One scene in the library of files, with Peter Guillam (Benedict Cumberbatch) trying to sneak out a top-secret file past his superiors, made me hold my breath, I will admit. However, the rest of the movie fell flat when it comes to the thrilling aspect. Even inside espionage can be thrilling if written right. So I don’t think that reflects on the filmmakers as much as it does on the novelist who conceived the story in the first place. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy gets 2 kernels out of 5.

Movie Review: Hugo

French release movie poster

            My brother’s exact words about Hugo BEFORE going in: “I’m not seeing that, it looks stupid.” My brother’s exact words about Hugo AFTER seeing it: “That was so good, you have to admit. It was so good! We’re buying this one on DVD.”

            Now, I could leave it at that, because my brother Caleb is the pickiest person when it comes to movies (seriously). But in the spirit of good blogging, I’ll continue on with the review.

            At first, I myself didn’t know what to expect; would it be some sort of weird fantasy movie or something much more? Or something much less? Well, I can honestly tell you it was neither. Hugo was a portrait of lives carefully woven together like the cogs in a well-oiled machine, moving as one body while each intricate piece works on its own and moves the whole body forward to its ultimate purpose.

The poster that first captured me

            The characters upon first appearance seem surface and shallow, but once the story progresses, and we see sides of them we never expected, their complexities come through, revealing not only a character on a screen, but someone who could be an actual person that if they walked off the screen would have a history and life all their own. The station itself is a character that shows the inner workings of the people who inhabit it and make it run. Hugo’s work with the clocks is symbolic of its life being both organism and mechanism, machine and supporter of life within it. Hugo himself says he pictures the world as one big machine with each part serving a purpose, nothing random, so that if everyone in the world was born into the machine, they have a part to play that’s indispensable, irreplaceable, and the lives at the station show this with the interweaving of past, present, and future.

            While the story runs on machine symbolism, it’s beautifully woven together with the characters until they become that seamless portrait I mentioned earlier.

            Another thing I highly appreciated was the lighting Scorsese chose for Paris. During the day, the light is gold and warm, rich with possibility and life, while the nighttime holds blue and silver tones, giving it a dream- and machine-like quality. It makes the film rich and pulled together, a fantasy that could easily be reality.

Hugo and Isabell inside the station's clock tower

            Now, the characters drew me in, and I can remember each and every one distinctly, from Gustav the station guard and his dog Maximilian (and Gustav’s rather humorous attempts at wooing a local girl), to Hugo and Isabell’s friendship, to Papa George and Mama Jeanne’s own past brilliance as filmmakers. I felt connected and a part of them, which is something both film-watchers and book-readers desire out of their characters.

            One thing that may not seem important to others but was to me, is that where Hugo lives in the station is very steam-punkish and I thoroughly appreciated that aspect as being placed in the 1920s. I loved it.

            In my notes, I stated the movie as being “interwoven genius”, and I thoroughly desire to read Brian Selznick’s work The Invention of Hugo Cabret, the book the movie is based off of. I give the film 5 kernels out of 5, and I WILL be buying this on Blu-Ray.

Movie Review: Rise of the Planet of the Apes

            Well, after that terrible Planet of the Apes adaptation that came out sometime in the early 2000s, I wasn’t very thrilled about getting another Apes movie this year. The previews looked promising, but don’t they all? In fact, the first time I saw the preview, I sighed and rolled my eyes skyward, not pleased. However, much to my surprise, I enjoyed Rise of the Planet of the Apes very much.

            The story does NOT start with some mission to space or whatever. It starts in a more modern era in California, in a lab developing a cure for Alzheimer’s. (actually, it starts with chimps being captured for testing in a jungle somewhere, but that’s beside the point) Story progression flows smoothly for the most part—it gets a little tricky when Cesar is in the chimp sanctuary—but in all, it’s easy to follow what’s going on: scientist’s (James Franco) project gets shut down, he finds a baby chimpanzee whose mother was his best and brightest subject, discovers that the genes have been passed on, and decides to raise Cesar to see how well the drug worked.

            In short, it worked well. In chimps. Not in humans, like originally intended.

            The plot was well thought out and believable, and Cesar’s descent—or rather, rise—into a leadership position over all the primates in the sanctuary is intriguing, delightful to watch, even. Andy Serkis does a remarkable job bringing Cesar to life, and the CGI team who worked on The Lord of the Rings trilogy worked on this movie, making it that much more enjoyable. I loved Maurice the orangutan. James Franco’s interactions with his father Cesar also prove to connect you to the characters (though, the whole Cesar-gets-James-a-date thing was rather cheesy). Tom Felton does a great job being an antagonistic jerk, and the shock of his death has more of a “you got what you deserved, suckah” feel to it than “oh no, he died”. Also, there was “Whoa! Never saw that coming!!!”, which is always a good thing.

            The sanctuary-breakout and running to the redwood forest was a spectacular feat of filmography and animation. The director really did a fantastic job there. And that credit sequence? Yeah, there are more of this series on the way, and I’m going to see each and every one of them. Rise of the Planet of the Apes proved to be more than just an attempted continuation of a cult classic. It’s a completely new Hollywood enterprise rising to its own place in the realm of movie history, revamped and prime to explain the Rise of the Apes. I would definitely recommend seeing it. 4 kernels out of 5.

Movie Review: Contagion

            Stepping into theater 4 for Contagion, I had just decided to start up this blog, and I had no idea what to expect from this movie. Disaster movies have taken a downturn in both prevalence and quality, so the future looked dim for Contagion. However, I was taken aback and pleasantly surprised with the story quality and pacing the movie had to offer.

            The story starts on day 2 of the disease’s development, and little do we know where its point of origin or even how it mutated into something that’s contagious to humans. All we know is that the woman we’re introduced to is sick and on her way home from a business trip in China, and that every one of the people in the opening somehow have contracted this virus, even though they live in separate areas of the world. When she gets home, the next day she’s in her kitchen and her hand goes numb. She drops her coffee cup and goes into convulsions. A mere two days after contracting the mystery disease, she ends up in the hospital and dies.

            And this is only the beginning. Her son goes not two days after her, and the disease begins to sweep across not just the country, but the entire world, and people panic that there’s no known cure, point of origin, or even a name for this virus that’s wiping out entire blocks of communities. The WHO (World Health Organization) gets involved, as well as the CDC, and the virus’ first spreading is tracked. We see that the people who first died of the virus all came into contact with Gwyneth Paltrow’s character on her business trip. The slightest brush of the hand on something she had touched spread this deadly virus, and it’s only at the end we see how the virus began (I won’t say in case you see the movie for yourself), but it explains the sequence in its DNA (bat, bat, pig, pig, bat).

Jude Law's jerky reporter

            In the beginning of the movie, I was sort of upset they didn’t show day 1 of virus development, but the writer in me knew there was a reason behind it. It gave us a suspense factor that couldn’t be shaken through the entire film (where the heck did it come from, anyway???). The characters were believable and I found myself connecting with them. I really liked Kate Winslet’s character and hated it when she…ah, but then too much would be said ;) . Jude Law played the butthead journalist who spreads false information about how to protect the body against the virus, and I wanted to punch him (which is a good thing; antagonists who don’t antagonize are sissies and should be dropped into a pit of forgetfulness). Lawrence Fishburn was also sort of a jerk, but Matt Damon gave us a good protagonist/hero figure who was just trying to protect his daughter from the virus.

            One thing I didn’t understand was why the WHO representative sent to China (Marion Cotillard) rushed back to the village she’d been abducted to after finding out they were given placebo vaccinations in a bluff to free her. Granted, I’d want to know what happened to them, too, but there was no reason I could see for her to go back there if there was no way to save them (if someone knows, please leave us a comment). Other than that, the movie was a great success for the disaster genre. 4 kernels out of 5.

            One last comment. Thank you, Contagion, for making me aware of every single thing I touch in the run of a day. Thank you.

Movie Review: Tower Heist

            Sometimes, as you probably know, the previews can make movies look so good and promising, and they leave you excited to see the upcoming film it teases you with. Well, the preview for Tower Heist promised me a see-it-plan-it-take-it-and-don’t-get-caught kind of heist movie (the kind I like best, especially when there’s a jail break if someone does get caught). Walking into theater 7, this is what I expected to be delivered to me.

            Well, I expected too much.

            The movie begins like this kind of heist film would. The humble-bumble building manager (Ben Stiller) does his duty and plays friends with all the rich folk until he realizes that the person he was working for stole all his employees’ pensions, including the manager’s own. The movie then goes into an odd, slowly paced, jumpy sort of planning mode for the heist. I was…well, not on the edge of my seat or remotely curious as to how they would pull it off. It was straightforward and somewhat disappointing. When you have a heist movie, one expects the romantic sort of espionage of thievery to come through. Granted, I know this was a comedy, but the title gives it a label it should automatically live up to. It didn’t: the plan sagged.

            I should commend the story, though, for building nicely until the plan—the middle. There it lagged, and while the heist itself had me on the edge of my seat at one point, it lacked a certain zing that all heist movies should have, that certain element of not knowing what’s next or how they’ll pull it off. The whole “safe in the wall” thing seemed absolutely pointless if meant for nothing else than—spoiler alert—to make Ben Stiller realize the car was made of gold. I mean, come on.

            And while the story may have moved nicely until the middle, the whole Ben Stiller/Tea Leoni romance was random and didn’t carry through. Also, the FBI needed more presence for more tension during the heist.  AND Eddie Murphy’s character Slide did nothing but succeed in making me frustrated and annoyed. However, Matthew Broderick’s character was funny, I’ll admit. He made me laugh, yes.

Slide, Eddie Murphy's character

            One last thing I would like to point out is the unnecessary use of vulgarity and innuendo. This was SUPPOSED to be a heist movie. The vulgarity added nothing and just left me raising an eyebrow and saying, “Seriously? What the heck.” And overall the story was predictable, which is NOT cool for a heist movie.

            I guess Heist was the wrong word to use. The movie gets a 2 ½ kernels out of 5.

Movie Review: The Muppets

            This is a review. For a movie. A very awful movie. A movie I thoroughly did not enjoy. At all. This is a review for The Muppets. And I cannot speak of the atrocities within the time wasted by watching this movie. However, for the blog, I will write them.
            Before I even considered seeing this, my oldest brother Matt informed me that the original Muppeteers were NOT pleased with this attempt at movie making. In fact, they openly and STRONGLY opposed it. I wasn’t sure if they were just being picky, but after watching the movie….I can do nothing but agree.

            Now, I’m sure you’re asking if I know what I’m talking about when it comes to the travesty inflicted upon the Muppets and their character. Believe me, this is a girl who GREW UP with the Muppets. “Muppets Tonight”, “The Muppet Show”, Muppet Treasure Island, Muppet Christmas Carol, Muppets Take Manhattan, The Muppet Movie, all this and more in my repertoire, thank you very much. That said…into the breach.

            The movie begins in inanely dubbed “Smalltown, USA”….If you could see the look on my face right now….Ugh. In Smalltown, kids love school and women wear dresses and act as if they belong on the Donna Reed Show. Men are snazzy and do their jobs with a smile. Heck, EVERYONE smiles. At all times. It’s sickening. Our three main characters live here: Gary (Jason Segel), Mary (Amy Adams), and Walter (an abomination). They head out to California to visit the Muppets studios, and Walter discovers that it’s about to be torn down by sickeningly-wealthy oil barren Tex Richman (whose name, by the way, is so effortlessly developed, it’s like the producers are trying to brainwash our kids to the 1% and capitalism!...wait, perhaps they ARE). And why is Tex Richman trying to tear down the studios? For oil. Of course. ANYWAY, they recruit Kermit and the others to put on one last Muppet Show to raise ten million dollars (in one night) to save the studios. Now, you may say, “What’s wrong with that?” Oh-hoh. Let me tell you. (I’ll try to be brief)

The Abomination

            Problem Number One: Kermit needs a Prozac. The little green guy I grew up with is…NOT the same in this movie. He’s evasive and depressed and generally blue more than green.

            Problem Number Two: The songwriting. The lyrics are quick, yes, but that’s it in regards to similarity with the original Muppet Show (click here to see what I mean). The simplistic stupidity and sappiness prickles my writer’s sense with annoyance. “A Me-Party?” Really? And the whole “Man or Muppet” sequence was completely muddled with mucked up lyrics and a sense of “what the heck did I just stumble into?” MAN this movie needed Paul Williams.

            Problem Number Three: The Muppets. The characters were marred from their true selves, and seeing them so differently made me shudder where I sat. I contemplated leaving theater 4 multiple times, but for the sake of the blog, I stayed.

            Problem Number Four: Tex Richman’s “maniacal laugh”. Do you  know what it was? Lower your voice and say “maniacal laugh” a few times. THAT’S what it was. He’s no villain. He’s a soft-shelled rich dude in a poorly produced movie.

            Problem Number Five: Walter’s “talent” at the end. It was 1) random, 2) not true to the Muppet spirit, as nothing went wrong with the performance, and 3) ear-scrapingly annoying.

            Problem Number Six: The story was hard to believe. Ten million dollars in one night? Yeah, okay.

            Problem Number Seven (last one, for lack of space): The musical numbers came out of nowhere. You’d be watching and BAM! Musical number. I found myself thinking “Where the heck did that come from!?” And…see note about lyrics above.

Now imagine blazing flames and a bunch of people with picket signs

            So, briefly, I wish I had not subjected myself to such soul-destroying torture that was The Muppets. To sum it up, it was like an amateur puppet show, bad children’s programming, 1950s “perfection”, and the writer’s strike desperation collided in a heap of screaming, twisted metal that burst into flame and vomited black ash into the air.  I could go on, but for your sake…. The movie gets 1/7 of a kernel out of 5

Welcome to 2012

Hello, all. :]

Well, here we are, in good ol' twenty-twelve. Hard to believe, right?

Anyway, just wanted to post a quick note stating upcoming blogs and posts, and give a brief note of why there haven't been many posts recently.

Due to college and the holidays, it's been HECTIC and CRAZY, and I want you to know that despite the other things in life, I WILL try to get things posted on time and accurately, 'kay? :] Now that we've reached January, things should settle down and get to where we can post our reviews.

Now, onward, to the breach, where things like Tin Tin, Hugo, and The Muppets will be reviewed for what they are (and definitely AREN'T) and posted up here to give you the best movie-viewing experience possible, so you don't waste your time and regret it afterwards, like so many who pay for their tickets without realizing what they're getting themselves into. "Into the valley of death rode the five-hundred...."