Movie Review: The Thing

            Walking into the theater, I had no idea what to expect from The Thing, other than my first creature feature (I say that with pride). Sure, I was a little apprehensive. Horror films are notorious for disappointing endings and sloppy writing with information gaps as big as the Grand Canyon. What can I say of The Thing, then?

            It was terrible.

            First, let me say I had never imagined so many ways for the human body to be grotesquely distorted. And (in all honesty) two parts forced me to avert my eyes from the screen (but perhaps that’s simply my own sensitivity). But that’s not what let me down most about The Thing. No, no. Far from it.

            Put simply, I found myself wondering, “What writing atrocity happened upon my theater’s screen?” The plot points were predictable and I said multiple times, “Yep, saw that one coming” (although, I put props out to the writer for not killing the black guy first and for giving me an unforeseen ending, the two good points of the film). As stated earlier, the Grand Canyon was indeed present in this film. For example, they never explained HOW the “virus”—if one would call it that—transferred from person to person and made them the Thing. Never explained! At least Resident Evil gave us the T-Virus, for Pete’s sake. We have Lars, the Norwegian who supposedly doesn’t understand English at this point, but does at this point, and the vans that start up at the end even though their wiring’s been cut so no one can leave. But people do leave in them, I’m afraid. Explain that one.

            One thing I also noticed at the end was the dead English guy in the chair near the radio (which—surprise surprise—didn’t work when they needed it to). What the heck happened to him? No explanation.

            My last gripe about The Thing would have to be the alien design. Why, oh why, do all aliens according to filmmakers HAVE to look like some bug?! PROPS to George Lucas for integrating thoughtfulness and creative design into his alien races.

            While I may be berated for being harsh on a B-Movie (or was it supposed to be one?), the facts speak for themselves. The Thing was as predictable as Queen Victoria’s favorite beverage. I walked in expecting a semi-decent movie; lo and behold, I was disappointed.

            To quote the big-headed, cliché, know-it-all head of operations scientist—Sander—“You’re not here to think.” Because this movie requires no thought.

Overall, the film gets a ¼ kernel out of 5.