Movie Review: Chernobyl Diaries

     Well. How to begin this post. I think two words are appropriate here: Wow, seriously?

     I don't know about you, but that movie . . . wow. I have no words to describe the searing disappointment I feel. (But, alas, I will move on.) The trailer's rule of thumb struck viciously and without remorse here, ripping apart a story that could have otherwise been very good, very good indeed.

     When first introduced to the characters, you find yourself wondering which ones will die. You know what's going to happen. The movie's predictability is astounding, to say the least. I found myself wishing--hoping, praying, begging--for something to jump out and scare me. Sadly, nothing did.

     My second problem with this movie is inconsistency. Sure, the van's wires get chewed. But the battery also dies. And when Paul and the others find the wires, they rejoice. Huzzah! We can leave! And when they find the video left by Paul's brother Chris, the van's lights are still on. What happened to the dead battery?! What, did some magic bolt of lightning strike and restore all power, every engine go? No, that's not acceptable.

Smile! You're all going to die!

     Another thing I noted about the movie was that we never saw the stupid mutants. We had a bit of a flash here and there, but I think seeing them would have brought a WHOA aspect to the movie, really. Not knowing the bald, nasties' faces was just . . . disappointing.

      Ah, disappointment. The constant use of the "F" word was not only excessive, but easily avoidable. That much F-bomb dropping really REALLY detracts from what's going on in the film. All you can here is the F word and you forget that, oh, I'm watching a movie, not a bunch of punk kids in a bad situation.

     Another thing: the ending? Yeah, typical horror style: DISAPPOINTING AND UNFULFILLING. I sat back, brow furrowed, eyes wide, jaw slack. What. The. Heck. Let me summarize the movie for you in one sentence: Tourists running away from mutants we never get to see. The end.

     I was thoroughly let down by the slack writing and poor execution Chernobyl Diaries  had to offer. Then again, what have we come to expect but this from Oren Peli? 1 kernel out of 5.

P.S. The idea of mutants in Chernobyl I came up with two years ago. THIS IS PLAGIARISM.

Movie Review: The Avengers

            My fellow superhero nerds.

            It is my duty to announce to you that all is not lost! Marvel Studios, in pulling Disney’s rights, have completely overturned their bad reputation for awful superhero adaptations and made one whoopin' movie entitled The Avengers.

            I’ve been on Marvel’s ride of highs and lows starting with Spiderman and ending with the horribly-written X-Men Origins: Wolverine. I need not name all the disappointments in between because I only have so much attention span for terrible cinema, as do you, I imagine. But, just to remind you and make you see the studio’s progress, look back for a moment on Ang Lee’s Hulk.

            A moment of silence for those weeping . . . .

            Thank you.

            ANYWAY. Ever since Iron Man came out, and rumors of Captain America, and Thor started circulating, I have sat and rocked back and forth in impatient anticipation for The Avengers. The novelist in me LOOOOOOOVES when characters cross paths and end up working together. Avengers did not disappoint.

Arguably one of my favorite characters, Hawkeye

            From minute one—one!—action is the key component, and then the story paces out from there with the barbed hook of “WHOA” stuck in the viewers’ mouths. I got so excited, I downed a whole box of Reese’s Pieces within the first ten minutes. (Sadly, I had no more food for the rest of the movie.) A lot of the middle is spent aboard S.H.I.E.L.D.’s Helicarrier, and this serves for good interactions between the Avengers. However, just when you think everything is safe and secure, WHAM! More action intertwined right with the story! Nothing is random! Everything makes sense! The characters are consistent and keep to who they are! And comic book lore is followed to the letter! HUZZAH! MARVEL SUCCEEDS IN CREATING AN AWESOME PIECE OF CINEMA ART!

            To say the least, I have not had the chance to park it in a theater seat and enjoy this movie again, and with the busy summer schedule of hopefuls coming out, I don’t know if I’ll be able to. (I shed a tear here.) However, this is one to add to the Blu-Ray list, FOR SURE. Nerds rejoice! Marvel is in big business! Seven big kernels out of five.

            P.S. Stay after all the credits. It’s so worth it.

Movie Review: Safe

            Answer me honestly: Who doesn’t like a good action-suspense movie fueled with nothing but testosterone? (And well-written testosterone at that!) Jason Statham had barely blipped on my celebrity radar until I saw Safe.

Luke Wright, the bad a**

            Not to give too much of the story away, Luke Wright (Jason Statham) screws up a match he was supposed to lose and his boss ends up losing a looooot of money on that match, as well as the people who hired him to set the match up: the Russian mob. Needless to say, the Russians get mighty mad and go after Wright. Wright ends up homeless.

            Meanwhile, in China, a super-genius eleven-year-old named Mei is kidnapped into doing the Triads’ dirty work in New York City. They have her memorize a sequence of numbers, but in transit to get the second sequence, the Russians spirit her away to try and get the numbers out of her. She escapes them and ends up with Wright. And everything—the story, the action, the corruption, the gun fighting—escalates from there in one whirl of testosterone.

            Now, when I think about “T-Films,” as we’ll call them, I think of the 80s movie Commando with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Explosions, muscles, car chases, helicopters, guys gettin’ their skulls severed in half with saw blades. The works. However, the dialogue, the writing, and the overall plot structure suffers because of all the testosterone infused into the film. Safe does not suffer from this plague.

            Multiple stories intertwine you into the world of underground NYC corruption, and you’re fascinated and outraged at once. You root for Wright, pray that Mei doesn’t fall into the wrongs hands or say something that could get her shot, and wonder what’s gonna happen each time the scenes transition. Things are revealed slowly, making the pacing of the story wonderfully juicy, and the watcher doesn’t feel inundated with useless facts about the characters. Everything is meaningful; everything has substance. It couldn’t have been written any better.

Mei, the Genius

            The characters are real, and the plot could happen right under our noses. And you’re served a butt-load of action and butt-whooping, along with a nice dash of thriller to cleanse the palette. Safe was played anything but, and the results were savory, to say the least. Five kernels out of five.

The Trailer's Rule of Thumb

     As most of you have probably noticed over your movie-watching careers, movie trailers have been correctly labeled: teasers. However, they don't necessarily present the movie in the best manner possible. For instance, they make something out to be funnier than it actually is. I.e. Planet 51. The animated feature promised to be really hilarious and ironic in the best sense. Though, upon viewing the film, we find that the trailer promised more than the filmmakers could deliver. I found myself so bored I left theater 9 before it was over.
     Or like with The Woman in Black. That promised to be hair-raising! Well . . . the trailer did. The movie fell flat in the "scary" section of its DNA. It amused me instead of scaring me.
     So here's the trailer's rule of thumb: don't make expectations. Unless the producer/director/actor is someone who hasn't disappointed yet, try not to make high expectations for movies. I know, I know. It's hard not to, and even I do it. But if the trailer deceives you, don't feel bad; a lot of them do.
     On that note, here's a list of movies I'm looking forward to this summer season.

     1) The Avengers (May 4) - Like any good superhero movies (and there have been plenty these past few years), this one looks extremely promising; I can base the awesomeness on the success of Iron Man, Iron Man 2, Thor, Hulk, and Captain America. Throw them all together, and you have The Avengers. I. Am. Excited.
     2) The Chernobyl Diaries (May 25) - While I didn't see the Paranormal Activity franchise, I know I probably wouldn't have been scared from the reports I heard. However, The Chernobyl Diaries look promising (and plagiarized from an idea I had if I'm right about what inhabits the city).
     3) Dark Shadows (May 11) - If there are two things that go excellently together, it's Tim Burton and Johnny Depp. The comedic spin off the 70s TV show is promising to be a good laugh for hardcore fans and newcomers alike. I look forward to it.
     4) Snow White and the Huntsmen (June 1) - I'm not a fan of Kristen Stewart after her non-emotion in Twilight (which literally gave me a headache), but this looks intense.
     5) Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (June 22) - Seriously. The title gives itself the right to be watched.
     6) Brave (June 22) - I. Love. Pixar. And I. Love. Scotland. Mix the two, and I'm in love.
     7) Prometheus (June 8) - While I'm not fond of the Alien franchise, I look forward to Prometheus and its thriller promises.
     8) Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted (June 8) - This promises to be just as funny as the first two, if not funnier.
     9) The Amazing Spider-Man (July 6) - After Toby Maguire's horrid performance in the last two Spiderman movies, it's time for a comic-based reboot. And I look forward to the story on the big screen.
     10) The Dark Knight Rises (July 20) - Christian Bale, while not the best Batman, has been a pretty good success (despite his lozenge-needing vocals in The Dark Knight). I hope Chris Nolan finishes the franchise on a high note instead of a dumpster high-dive.

     You can be guaranteed I'll review each and every one of these and post them on here. I look forward the movie-packed summer season and bringing you the facts, folks. Hats off to the future.

Movie Review: Lockout

Alex

            With most actiony, kick-in-the-face, bad-guys-break-out-of-jail sorts of movies, you don’t expect much story to follow all the “cool” stuff that happens. Oh, not to mention the spy stuff that CIA agents can pull off with Hollywood magic. I didn’t know exactly what to expect with Lockout because while the trailer promised “story” to go with the punches, we all know the rule of thumb about trailers (if you don’t, I’ll post something on it after this).

Hydell

            However, when I came to rest my hiny in theater 1, I found myself both entertained and satisfied with testosterone-fueled action.

            The story begins with a crime that wasn’t actually committed, and the said-committer, Snow (Guy Pearce). is being interrogated by a guy named Rupert (to which he says, “I'm being beaten up by a guy called Rupert?”). While we know next to nothing about Snow at this point—and the fact that he takes the briefcase from a questionable general—we do know that he’s gonna be one of those characters you really like, good or bad.

            The story progresses from here with a surprising psych-thriller kind of feel to it. While some of the scenes can be choppy at times and run a little fast so you’re left breathless, the rest of the movie flowed pretty well. Personally I would have liked to have seen more badness from the bad guys. I mean, they were deadly convicts after all. HOWEVER; I did like the chemistry between the two brothers Hydell and Alex. Joseph Gilgun and Vincent Regan (respectively) worked well together there.

Snow and Emilie

            Another note: the President’s daughter Emilie (Maggie Grace) wasn’t exactly the annoying female sidekick I’ve come to expect from Hollywood. She was pretty BA without being totally annoying and still retain her feminine strongness.

            Overall the movie came out really well. Mace’s ramblings served well as a psych factor in the end, and I found myself smiling every time Snow let loose one of his sarcastic daggers. Lockout earns a 4 ½ kernels out of 5.