Movie Review: Chernobyl Diaries

     Well. How to begin this post. I think two words are appropriate here: Wow, seriously?

     I don't know about you, but that movie . . . wow. I have no words to describe the searing disappointment I feel. (But, alas, I will move on.) The trailer's rule of thumb struck viciously and without remorse here, ripping apart a story that could have otherwise been very good, very good indeed.

     When first introduced to the characters, you find yourself wondering which ones will die. You know what's going to happen. The movie's predictability is astounding, to say the least. I found myself wishing--hoping, praying, begging--for something to jump out and scare me. Sadly, nothing did.

     My second problem with this movie is inconsistency. Sure, the van's wires get chewed. But the battery also dies. And when Paul and the others find the wires, they rejoice. Huzzah! We can leave! And when they find the video left by Paul's brother Chris, the van's lights are still on. What happened to the dead battery?! What, did some magic bolt of lightning strike and restore all power, every engine go? No, that's not acceptable.

Smile! You're all going to die!

     Another thing I noted about the movie was that we never saw the stupid mutants. We had a bit of a flash here and there, but I think seeing them would have brought a WHOA aspect to the movie, really. Not knowing the bald, nasties' faces was just . . . disappointing.

      Ah, disappointment. The constant use of the "F" word was not only excessive, but easily avoidable. That much F-bomb dropping really REALLY detracts from what's going on in the film. All you can here is the F word and you forget that, oh, I'm watching a movie, not a bunch of punk kids in a bad situation.

     Another thing: the ending? Yeah, typical horror style: DISAPPOINTING AND UNFULFILLING. I sat back, brow furrowed, eyes wide, jaw slack. What. The. Heck. Let me summarize the movie for you in one sentence: Tourists running away from mutants we never get to see. The end.

     I was thoroughly let down by the slack writing and poor execution Chernobyl Diaries  had to offer. Then again, what have we come to expect but this from Oren Peli? 1 kernel out of 5.

P.S. The idea of mutants in Chernobyl I came up with two years ago. THIS IS PLAGIARISM.

Movie Review: Safe

            Answer me honestly: Who doesn’t like a good action-suspense movie fueled with nothing but testosterone? (And well-written testosterone at that!) Jason Statham had barely blipped on my celebrity radar until I saw Safe.

Luke Wright, the bad a**

            Not to give too much of the story away, Luke Wright (Jason Statham) screws up a match he was supposed to lose and his boss ends up losing a looooot of money on that match, as well as the people who hired him to set the match up: the Russian mob. Needless to say, the Russians get mighty mad and go after Wright. Wright ends up homeless.

            Meanwhile, in China, a super-genius eleven-year-old named Mei is kidnapped into doing the Triads’ dirty work in New York City. They have her memorize a sequence of numbers, but in transit to get the second sequence, the Russians spirit her away to try and get the numbers out of her. She escapes them and ends up with Wright. And everything—the story, the action, the corruption, the gun fighting—escalates from there in one whirl of testosterone.

            Now, when I think about “T-Films,” as we’ll call them, I think of the 80s movie Commando with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Explosions, muscles, car chases, helicopters, guys gettin’ their skulls severed in half with saw blades. The works. However, the dialogue, the writing, and the overall plot structure suffers because of all the testosterone infused into the film. Safe does not suffer from this plague.

            Multiple stories intertwine you into the world of underground NYC corruption, and you’re fascinated and outraged at once. You root for Wright, pray that Mei doesn’t fall into the wrongs hands or say something that could get her shot, and wonder what’s gonna happen each time the scenes transition. Things are revealed slowly, making the pacing of the story wonderfully juicy, and the watcher doesn’t feel inundated with useless facts about the characters. Everything is meaningful; everything has substance. It couldn’t have been written any better.

Mei, the Genius

            The characters are real, and the plot could happen right under our noses. And you’re served a butt-load of action and butt-whooping, along with a nice dash of thriller to cleanse the palette. Safe was played anything but, and the results were savory, to say the least. Five kernels out of five.

Movie Review: Lockout

Alex

            With most actiony, kick-in-the-face, bad-guys-break-out-of-jail sorts of movies, you don’t expect much story to follow all the “cool” stuff that happens. Oh, not to mention the spy stuff that CIA agents can pull off with Hollywood magic. I didn’t know exactly what to expect with Lockout because while the trailer promised “story” to go with the punches, we all know the rule of thumb about trailers (if you don’t, I’ll post something on it after this).

Hydell

            However, when I came to rest my hiny in theater 1, I found myself both entertained and satisfied with testosterone-fueled action.

            The story begins with a crime that wasn’t actually committed, and the said-committer, Snow (Guy Pearce). is being interrogated by a guy named Rupert (to which he says, “I'm being beaten up by a guy called Rupert?”). While we know next to nothing about Snow at this point—and the fact that he takes the briefcase from a questionable general—we do know that he’s gonna be one of those characters you really like, good or bad.

            The story progresses from here with a surprising psych-thriller kind of feel to it. While some of the scenes can be choppy at times and run a little fast so you’re left breathless, the rest of the movie flowed pretty well. Personally I would have liked to have seen more badness from the bad guys. I mean, they were deadly convicts after all. HOWEVER; I did like the chemistry between the two brothers Hydell and Alex. Joseph Gilgun and Vincent Regan (respectively) worked well together there.

Snow and Emilie

            Another note: the President’s daughter Emilie (Maggie Grace) wasn’t exactly the annoying female sidekick I’ve come to expect from Hollywood. She was pretty BA without being totally annoying and still retain her feminine strongness.

            Overall the movie came out really well. Mace’s ramblings served well as a psych factor in the end, and I found myself smiling every time Snow let loose one of his sarcastic daggers. Lockout earns a 4 ½ kernels out of 5.